For most people, this would have been a wake-up call for me, it was just another reason to keep drinking. Thankfully nobody was hurt, but I ended up losing my license and having to pay thousands of dollars in court fines. I ended up getting arrested and taken to detox that night. The rational part of my brain knew that I shouldn’t be in the drive’s seat, yet I wanted to get home. When I was younger, I made the mistake of driving under the influence. Alcohol made me selfish, yet it also made me give away all of myself until I had nothing left to give. I gave drinking my time, my thoughts, my memories and, my self-respect. Alcohol took and took and took from me, and yet I continued to give it my all. It caused me to burn bridges, get into legal trouble, waste money and break the trust of the people who loved me the most. This depressing cycle was my life.Īlcohol caused me to give up on my dreams. I would then drink, pass out, go to work, repeat. I would often find myself on autopilot on the way home from work, drive up, get my order, drive home. To say I was a regular there would be pretty obvious. When you pull up, and they already have your regular order ready, you know you have a problem. I would tell myself I wasn’t going to drink that day and then find myself in the drive-through liquor store line on my way home from work. I would often cry to myself and wonder how I had allowed things to get so out of control. While the rational part of my brain knew I was drinking too much, the side of my mind consumed by my addiction only wanted more.Ī life consumed by alcoholism is a pretty brutal way to live. I would often promise myself that I wasn’t going to allow this to happen again, that this was the last time and that I wasn’t going to drink for a while. There is a deep sense of dread that comes with not remembering what you did the night before. Blackouts caused pretty awful feelings, and I do not miss those mornings full of shame and regret. I would often drink to the point of blacking out, waking up the following day trying to piece together something from the night before. Even though alcohol was destroying my life, there was a part of me that still loved getting drunk which was one of the primary reasons I kept drinking for as long as I did.Īlcohol made me do some pretty crazy things. The truth of the matter is once an addiction has gotten a hold of you, it is tough to get away without any professional help. I think that it is all too easy for someone who has never dealt with an addiction to look at an addict and say, “You are ruining your life why don’t you just stop?!” While this may seem like a very legitimate question, it is one that many addicts may not be able to answer even to themselves. Despite this, sometimes I find myself remembering things about my life as an alcoholic that make me wonder what the heck I was thinking. I have moved on from this part of my life. I try not to dwell on the past too often. There were times in that part of my life that I do not remember very well due to my overindulgence with drinking, and there are other times I wish I could forget. When I look back on my life during active addiction, I often cringe at what I used to say and do.
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